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Happy
New Years from your Board; Mother Superior Vonnie Clark; Vice Mother JoAnne Elco; Mother of
Monarchy–your treasurer Hot Flash (as in camera girl) Cathy
Gansert.
SHOES IN CHURCH: You may have read this before, but I felt it was worth ready again. Makes you think twice about you actions! I showered and shaved, I adjusted my tie. I got there and sat in a pew just in time. Bowing my head in prayer as I closed my eyes. I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed. With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, |
"Why must our soles touch?" It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much. A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. Has no pride. They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!" "Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on. The shoe man said............... A quiet "Amen." I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again. Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door? Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor. Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began. The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang. His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high. The Lord could surely hear..The shoe man's voice from the sky. It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep. I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep. I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in. Then I heard a soft "clink" as when silver hits tin. The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie. It was the same for the shoe man... For tears fell from his eyes. At the end of the service...... As is the custom here. We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer. But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man. So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand. He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess. But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest. He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend." There were tears in his eyes....... But he had a large, wide grin. "Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes. "I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'" "I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest. "But I really do try................."To always look my best." "I always clean and polish my shoes before my very long walk. But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk." My heart filled with pain........... And I swallowed to hide my tears. As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near. He said, "When I get h ere... . ......."I know I must look a sight. "But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite." I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not my head. “Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part; "That the best of any man ii what is found in his |
heart." The rest, I thought this
shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe
touched my soul - You are special to me and you have made a difference in
my life. I respect you,
and truly cherish you.
Send this to your friends, No matter how often you
talk, or how close you are, And send it to the person who sent it to
you. Let old
friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never
will. Remember,
everyone needs a friend.
Someday you might feel like you have no friends at all. Just
remember to take comfort in knowing that Someone out there cares about
you..... And always will.
I cherish your friendship... GREAT POEM (submitted by Lee Ruby) - I was
shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by
the beauty of it al nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in
Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash... There stood the kid from seventh grade who
swiped my lunch money twice, next to him was my old neighbor who never
said anything nice, Jack whom I always thought
was rotting away in hell was sitting pretty on cloud nine looking
incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal? I would love to hear
your take. How'd all
these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake. "And why's everyone so
quiet, so somber? Give me a clue." "Hush, child," said He,
"They're all in shock, no one thought they'd be seeing you."
Judge NOT! FORGIVENESS: All women should live so long as
to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the
end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven
your enemies?" 80% held
up their hands. The
Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are
you not willing to forgive your enemies?” "I don't have any." She replied,
smiling sweetly. "Mrs.
Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight."
she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones,
would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can
live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a
lady tottered down the aisle, faced the Congregation, and said: "I
outlived the bitches." TIPS FOR WOMEN: 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you | |
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laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. and.....If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.
THE WEDDING TEST: (submitted by Judy Sausto) My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs a t me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car........
GEORGE CARLIN’S VIEWS ON AGING: IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SHARE IT. Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key!! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the |
greatest day of your life . . . you BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "IWas JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half! "May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG: 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them." 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves . Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health : If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
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THE JOYS OF BEING A GIRL: Thought this may be helpful for your upcoming mammos... and a reminder to get them!
Ok, now you've had your laugh, so GO GET YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMIED
How to train for a mammogram...
PRIVATE PARTS: An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing."
FOUR WORMS & THE LESSON TAUGHT: A minister decided that a visual | |
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THE CONTESTANT: A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll ifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ...Her friend was, well ...blonde. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy!" she exclaimed. "The answer is C: the cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is .... Absolutely CORRECT! You are now a millionaire!" |
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come ON!" exclaimed the blonde. "EVERYBODY knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in CLOCKS!"
SPOONING: For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
THE HEAD INJURY: We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone
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If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
THE DIVORCE: If you had a problem getting all your kids to visit at the same time over the holidays – here is the way to do it for next year: An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up. The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?" The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way.
UNANSWERED PRAYERS: The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEING THANKFUL: A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say? " The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER: During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched |
him into silence and, after church, asked, " Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle .. And He just then did!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TIME TO PRAY: A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.."Yes sir," the boy replied. "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the day time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEWARE OF TRASH: One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALL MEN/ ALL GIRLS: When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAY A PRAYER: Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday at Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating, at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!
GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE : When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, and then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends. One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man. Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom. Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be. One friend will say, "Let's cry together," another,
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"Let's fight together," another, "Let's walk away together." One friend will meet your spiritual need, another your shoe fetish, another your love for movies, another will be with you in your season of confusion, another will be your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings. But whatever their assignment in your life, on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself those are your best friends. It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many, it's wrapped up in several. one from 7th grade, one from high school, several from the college years, a couple from old jobs, on some days your mother, on some days your neighbor, on others, your sisters, and on some days, your daughters. So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years, AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO, pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life to make a difference.
Natural Highs Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one. It Does Make You Feel Good!
1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket. 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11.Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry). 12. A bubble bath. 13. Giggling. 14. A good conversation. 15 The beach 16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter. 17. Laughing at yourself. 18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you 19 Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. 23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS. 25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. | |
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26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 29. Playing with a new puppy. 30. Having someone play with your hair. 31. Sweet dreams. 32. Hot chocolate. 33. Road trips with friends. 34. Swinging on swings. 35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 36. Making chocolate chip cookies. 37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 38. Holding hands with someone you care about. 39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 41. Watching the sunrise. 42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 43. Knowing that somebody misses you. 44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. 45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
MUST KNOW *77: I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *77. It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. *Lauren's parents have always told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc. * Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called * 77 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars near where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way. Ten minutes later 4 police cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes. I never knew about the *77 Cell |
Phone feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *77 like Lauren did. Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit of wonderful information. *Speaking to a service representative at ** Bell ** Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to state trooper info. So, now it's your turn to let your friends know about *77.
UGLY PEOPLE: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again." NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY - Blessed are the Cracked, For they are the Ones Who let in the Light! TWO GLASSES OF WINE: When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine... A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once
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more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full." The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you." "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend."
LOTSAKIDS: Two Ladies were at a funeral for a woman that had been very fruitful. She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the teacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
Looking forward to a wonderful 2008! | |
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